Friday, March 04, 2011

To do list

Walking home tonight, passing the 24 Hour Emergency Vet on 41st and Stone, I noticed their quilted wall hanging, the ballast behind the check-in desk. I suppose in a situation that would bring you to such a place, maybe only a muted, old-fashioned cotton medley can provide comfort. Juxtaposed against the buzzing neon sign outside, with the sharp lines of a red cross announcing strength and relief, it shows warmth and care.

My mom is a quilter, and a prolific one at that. I am ashamed to say that I have not carried on this trait. Well, not yet, anyway. Said quilter mailed me a sewing machine a few years ago, perhaps in order to stymie my fate as an impatient, non-ladylike non-sewer. It’s plugged in and the bright, fun stack of fabrics I have are piled in a cute wire house, waiting to be put to use. Waiting. For me. Still.


Today I removed a TO DO LIST on a green Zyrtec post-it on my fridge. It had the following, all of which I have done/am in the process of doing. (Thanks to my cello teacher, Emily Ann Peterson, the Seattle Sailing Club, my friend and travel partner Sarah, and a little trip down under that has encouraged me to be a little less fat).


So it’s time for a new list of TO DOs I am motivated to accomplish. See #4. Let’s hope this one goes as well as the first list went, for my mother’s sake if not for that of some worried pet owners.



Saturday, February 19, 2011

Wanna Be a Baller

A few of us ladies get together once a month to have breakfast, discuss faith and what's going on in our lives, and just have community. Today's breakfast cinnamon rolls, the topic what roles we play and how we identify with others and with Christ. Melody, the chef and hostess, told us she is referred to at her job (architect) as a "baller", which she had to look up on Wikipedia (Urban Dictionary says "a thug that has 'made it' to the big time"). Most of the women are married, some are moms, which is sort of the norm in this demographic, and I figured the roles I play right now just don't compare. Work is work, I like the job, it's hard for me as I feel like an idiot at least some part of most days, it's what I spend the majority of my time doing. The other role is daughter and sister; which I feel lousy at right now as I'm 1600 miles away from my family. I didn't include friend, because it didn't come to mind, and I need "my" time to regain the energy that social interaction drains from me. For these reasons I feel like a bad friend; I'm not socially proactive, I don't let people in. I guess I identify with "loner" and "misanthrope" more than friend, the latter of which my friends pointed out as not true. That's what they're good at, isn't it, seeing the "you" you don't see. And if these more-important-role-having wives and moms are right, being a friend is good preparation for those possibly more special roles I would like to have some day. Like a baller, shot caller, 20 inch blades on the Impala.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

VD

I generally despise Valentine's Day. I mean, why wouldn't I? In the profound words of the Superbowl halftime show-bombing Black Eyed Peas, "where is the love" in my life? And the fact that I'm taking energy to write about it is even more pathetic. I received an email from FTD (those rats latched onto me ever since I sent my mom flowers 5 years ago) and it fired me up á la the "Make her forget you forgot" St. Paul Hotel billboard circa 2006. Because I'm sure an overpriced dinner will completely negate the fact that you forgot your wife's [insert special occasion here], poof!


I think being the "envy of the office" is passé, but for argument's sake let's say it's not. It's 2011, for crying out loud, and I think a woman's intelligence/leadership/credentials should do the envy-making; not some overpriced, finite, albeit pretty, perennial given out of obligation.

Switching gears a bit, just when I was feeling sorry for myself as I usually do this time of year (I am pretty sure that there should be some sort of content filter for television which blocks the showing of "Say Yes to the Dress" in a household containing a single woman >30), I saw such a beautiful act of love in the nontraditional sense this morning. It's no secret that I'm concerned with the plight of the homeless in this city. It's palpable. I volunteer when I can and I work at a county hospital but I still feel utterly helpless when I see these people standing at main intersections with signs proclaiming their helplessness. Today I witnessed three women, two older and less agile, one younger, carrying backpacks and duffel bags and coffee thermoses and stopping from person to person on the street offering goods and a smile. It was so touching. And beautiful.

I guess, Fergie and Will.i.am, that's where the love is.

Happy Valentine's Day to those of you who celebrate, which I do in a way, Judy Fu's Snappy Dragon here I come!!!!

Thursday, January 06, 2011

this moribund frame

Heather gray sweatshirt sleeves dab hot tears, the most I've cried in awhile. I'm watching Le Scaphandre et le Papillon, the Diving Bell and the Butterfly, about the French editor of Elle who suffered a brainstem stroke, rendering him able to communicate only by blinking his left eye. So eloquent, so beautifully envisioned, the book, dictated by that eye, recalls his life replete with trips he took, women he loved and couldn't love, his vibrant children, literary works he recalls with peerless detail and with which he weighs against his current and ultimate lot in life. The film, vivid, perfectly portrayed, brings the most rudimentary of daily tasks alive: a humiliating dunk in the bathtub, the complete frustration of life in that body, unable to yell at a man who turns off the TV at the culmination of an important soccer match, unable to soothe his elderly father who cries on the unanswered end of the phone. Still, and I think this was Jean-Dominique Bauby's intention, I am reminded of the resolute power of memory, of passion, of imagination, of human relationships, of physical touch, of what being present means, and this is something to incorporate into my job, where locked-in syndrome isn't uncommon, every day.

Anna, my coworker, opened a padded envelope at work yesterday. In it were two small 2011 calendars, one of songbirds and one of World Wonders or something, and imprinted on them was the name of an adult family home. Ironic and sad, I took the latter of the two as a sign of places to visit, to imprint pictures and videos of life in my memory, before I am stuck in a home or stuck in this body. Stonehenge and the Colosseum (check!) and the Taj Mahal and Machu Picchu and the Great Wall of China and the CN Tower and the Chichen Itza and the Great Barrier Reef (will check in March!) and the Pyramids of Egypt and the Northern Lights (check!) and Angel Falls. And of course you'll use what's there, way back there in your mind; the sound of your mom whistling her way into the house, the smell of a Beacon apple pie baking, the burn of your fingers after splitting wood on a frigid day, the way it feels to be enveloped in someone's arms, the way it feels to hold your child.

There's a lot to be thankful for. There's a lot of life to live.

"Today is Father's Day. Until my stroke, we had felt no need to fit this made-up holiday into our emotional calendar. But today we spend the whole of the symbolic day together, affirming that even a rough sketch, a shadow, a tiny fragment of a dad is still a dad".

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

*this is why

I live here. For now, I mean. It was so good being home at Christmas and so hard to leave; I cried when I left my mom this time. But it's nice to have this to come back to. And to try my hand at Tom Douglas' Triple Coconut Cream pie (which in this picture totally looks "boughten" as Minnesotans would say:), that would have been so much easier and much cheaper!) I can already tell I am going to use my All Clad saucier and stainless steel mixing bowls I got for Christmas to death!

It's a New Year and today I started it out by getting my pores cleaned out by Ildiko, the hilarious aesthetician from Budapest that I've loved going to for a facial a couple times a year. You know, for pampering.
Me: "How does everything look?"
Ildiko: "Oh my god, every pore is clogged"...
I: "This is when I torture you" - chemical peel
I: "My friend decided he didn't like lamb shank. He's an idiot."
I: "Thanks God I get to see my son. He lives in London, and when he comes home and we go to a restaurant, he says to the waiter 'cheers' instead of 'thank you'. I tell him 'you sound so gay'".

It's been beautiful and sunny and crisp/clear and today was a perfect picture-takin' day! Mount Rainier was boasting, let's face it. Saturday and Sunday I'm taking my Basic Keelboat sailing class! In the Puget Sound! From Shilshole! Under the shadow of Leif Erikson, my countryman!

Tonight I learned a new song on the cello (after I spent a whopping $6 on rosin while checking out the $7500 cellos at Bischofberger!). It's called Lightly Row and it's 38 seconds long and I'm still intimidated by it and 4 year olds play it better than me.

Blah, blah blog is right.
Happy New Year!











Saturday, December 04, 2010

Christmas in Seattle

I went to the 3W/NSU Christmas Party alone. Because that's how I roll. Like 31 years of rolling like that. I didn't realize that basically everyone else there brought a guest until Rose, a nurse I'd never met, introduced herself to me, prompted me to smile and surprised me by snapping a picture. Of me. Alone. I don't want to smile, Rose! This is sad! It's Christmas, for crying out loud.

The party was at Pabla's Punjabi Palace in a strip mall by the airport. There was naan, daal, paneer masala, samosas, goat curry. All but the last of these are currently in my proximal esophagus. The Indian nurses from work were dressed beautifully in shimmering sarees, Baliwood movies played in the background; a group in sequined silver dancing around a prominent female, something about professional assassins killing a taxi driver's son, a girl in love with a boy named Amit.

We were encouraged to dance, and dance we did, to the most desultory mix of music I've ever heard: Michael Jackson's Billy Jean, Take a Chance on Me by ABBA, Hindi Pop, the Jackson 5, Thriller, more Hindi pop.

I think I'll remember the way the holidays were celebrated here.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Hypomania, perhaps?

I got SO MUCH done today.

Spent three hours getting my car worked on. Walked to Starbucks. Read half of the Diving Bell and the Butterfly (amazing so far, almost cried). Walked to HT Market to get Vietnamese sandwiches for the boys at the shop. Listened to David rant about Seattle taxpayers. Did my couch to 5k workout while David was replacing my thermostat. Drove to City People's to get a Christmas tree. Drove to another City People's to get a Christmas tree with the stand that the other location didn't have, which is why I went to that establishment in the first place. Drove said tree home. Did four loads of laundry. Cleared about 4 hours of TV (mostly Conan:) off the DVR. Decluttered my place, a decluttering that's needed to occur since I moved in 6 months ago. Decorated tree. Vacuumed. Went to the bank, twice. Went to three stores, purchased and replaced a track light. Watched most of three Christmas movies. Did dishes. And baked 4 dozen raspberry almond thumbprint cookies.

Thank you Jesus for a body that allows me to do this, the ability to get 12 hours of sleep on a weeknight! to fuel me, the inspiration to clean as great friends are visiting, and a job that I really, really enjoy and that allows me 4- 10 hour shifts.

The cute lil felted wool gnomes my mom sent me for my birthday ended up in my tree, and they're right at home there.


Hoarders


From December 30, 2009

I love my mom's family. They're crazy (the lovable kind). They grew up in McGrath, Minnesota, famous for the McGrath stone, population 62, listening to Bill Cosby records and screaming at the Beatles and dairy farming all the day long. 5 kids. "ValerieJaniceBarbaraGregoryKurt", my grandmother would call, meat and potatoes ready. I could listen to their stories forever I think, like how my mom and her sisters would launch overripe cucumbers at one another, yelling "Bombs over Tokyo", or read the typewriter correspondence between my mom and Kurt and their plans to fight in the haymow, Mohammed Ali-esque, Kurt touting that he'd be "fresh as a daisy" in the morning and would whoop her, despite being 5 years her junior. There was my surly teenage aunt Valerie, who instead of blistering her hands haying, would kneel in the grass, combing surreptitiously for four-leaf clovers; she had a penchant for Fredrick's of Hollywood magazines and false eyelashes, a far cry from the hackneyed labor required of a small but all-we-have farm in the sixties. Now she files her taxes in August and instead of washing her dishes, temporarily stores the dirty ones in broken-down cars in her yard at her woods-surrounded home.

My uncle Kurt is a veterinarian, has six kids, five of which he delivered himself. I suppose it's not all that different than, say, a cow. Smaller anyway. They turned out normal, one of whom is following in his father's footsteps, at least in the professional way.

When cleaning out my grandparents' house after they passed away, and finding a scrap of paper with my grandmother's hurried cursive reading "look at Greg's foot" (he non-figuratively shot himself while hunting as a kid), there was a lot of sentimental bric-a-brac that my mom and her sisters fought over. Santa and Mrs. Claus salt and pepper shakers, Depression-era rose hobnail glass, a sweet-pea pink McCoy tulip vase. These were "primo" items and caused much derision. After fighting mixed with laughter, one would ultimately acquiesce, and my aunt Barbara even renounced her grip on said salt and pepper shakers, as she knew my mom, who lives in a more central location, would hold family Christmases.

At any rate, the sisters seem to have a problem with vintage goods at best and really horrible no-good junk at worst. They collect it, so much so that my aunt Barbara, also a practicing veterinarian, turned a rental house into a storage house, and owns both a real and virtual shop where she sells the things she somehow relinquishes. My aunt Valerie has an inclination to "dumpster dive" (she also finds intricate spider webs in her house "beautiful" and great for decorating). My mom, well yes, she has a lot of things she doesn't need, but I wouldn't call it excessive. I however, am probably seeded with the sickness as well, which will only grow with time and nurturing.

Which leads me to the point. My mom received a letter from California yesterday from a PhD who is from the show "Hoarders" on A&E asking her and her sisters to be part of a special on familial Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. This woman mentioned several times that she is concerned for their "health and well-being". My mom laughed for five minutes straight. I don't know if they'll do it. It might be necessary.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Feel the riddim

The sky looks the same tonight as the night I saw Cool Runnings. Big white moon, small puffy dark clouds gliding over its surface, blue alternating with black. I thought the moon followed us through the empty, taciturn plains of east central Minnesota. I thought my dad was in on it. I cleaned the foggy windows with my sleeve. I didn't let it leave my sight.

Tonight I'm driving, and the moon doesn't care to follow me. Miles of buses line up, dark, lingering; anticipating the spill of football fans into the street. Anything but silent.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Just this tragic figure

Diamonds, roses,
I need Moses
to cross this sea of loneliness,
part this red river of pain
.

My lungs hurt from singing along. The busiest day in a long time doesn't remove it and even the moonlight dancing on the Puget Sound can't take it away.

I don't necessarily buy
any key to the future
or happiness, but I
need a little place in the sun sometimes
or I think I will die.


I'm relinquishing the battle.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

The best day of my life

I am lucky to have a beautiful, smart friend who is dating a talented guy who plays for a team that is doing well. That's about all I have to say. Grant is a pitcher for the Tampa Bay Rays (used to play for the Twins and still has a house in MN) and Angie was his Ortho PA; we went to grad school together at rotated at Madigan, so Mariner's games are what we do! The Rays are playing the Mariners right now, so I got to spend the day with them. It was fun. I like Australians. And teams that are at the top of their division. And getting free stuff at the Phiten store, VIP tickets, a meal, etc. And, as if that wasn't enough, they bought me flowers!

I also got to meet and have dinner with Ryan Rowland-Smith of the M's. I had the unfortunate role of telling him how to drive around Seattle. If he would have listened to my directions, we would have been fine!

In any event, here are a few pics from the day.

I have GOT to go to bed.















Monday, July 21, 2008

Mad Men

So I happened across Mad Men tonight. I'd heard good things about it and heard it had several Emmy nominations. Funny thing, this guy I went to college with is in it. His name is Rich Sommer, he's brilliant; I loved his improv in the Concordia drama department, and I still love his acting. It took me a little while to figure out where I recognized him from in the Devil Wears Prada, and he's been in a couple of Verizon commercials. In any event, I'm happy to see he's made it, and on a very well-done show, nonetheless. 


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A few of my favorite things, Seattle style

1. Molly Moon's Homemade Ice Cream, Wallingford. 
I LOVE this place. In fact, last night, after the sun set, I stood in line for half an hour along with couples, families, and dogs, the smell of fresh-baked waffle cones wafting into the street. What can I say... where else can a girl get Salted Caramel or Balsamic Strawberry ice cream? I mean really.

Molly Moon Ice Cream Logo
www.mollymoonicecream.com

2. Elliott Bay Book Company, Pioneer Square
Located in the historical district of Seattle, Elliot Bay books is a harbor in the tempest... or at least in the rain. The floors are nice and squeaky, just the way they should be, and you can get lost in dark nooks and crannies. 















www.elliotbaybook.com

3. The Baguette Box, Capitol Hill and Fremont
So apparently I like places with dogs on the sign. The first time I had their tofu baguette, I was in love. A soft baguette is stuffed with crispy, coconut-braised tofu, pickled daikon carrots, garlic aioli, cilantro, and avocado, all for $5. Yummo.

Baguette Box

4. Ray's Boathouse, Ballard
The seafood is perhaps the best Seattle has to offer, but I take my guests here for one thing, and one thing only... the view. 















5. All of the Farmer's Markets, Capitol Hill, Queen Anne, University District, West Seattle, Ballard, Phinney Ridge...














6. Cafe Vivace, Capitol Hill 
Seattle has done it to me, like thousands of others... made us coffee drinkers. This place turns
coffee into art. Don't you want it? 

February 2008 

7. Velouria, Ballard
The cutest boutique in the city, Velouria boasts indie designers and artists who don't sell out
to mass production along the way. 
http://shopvelouria.tripod.com

8. Theo's Chocolates, Fremont
I went on a factory tour with my friend Elizabeth and a bunch of old ladies. It was wonderful. 
You don hairnets, tour the plant, sample along the way, and at the end, eat AS MUCH of their organic, fair trade chocolate as you want. Fig and fennel, bread and chocolate, hazelnut crunch, almond, vanilla, chai tea, or my favorite: curry. I felt like Augustus Gloop. I almost barfed. 
www.theochocolate.com

3400 Phinney Chocolate Factory Bars

9. Easy Street Records, Queen Anne
I can't decide if I like them or Sonic Boom better, but all the great music in this place makes me *happy*. And I like their star logo. 


www.buymusichere.net/stores/easystreet

10. Cupcake Royale, West Seattle, Ballard, and Madrona
You know I had to wrap the list up with sweets! It's a simple concept: take two flavors of cake (chocolate and vanilla, well, and red velvet and carrot) and top the cupcakes with different flavors of buttercream. These cupcakes transcend all others. Serious.


www.cupcakeroyale.com

More to come...

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Clear as a bell

My sister got married yesterday. In atypical Minnesota fashion, and much to Weather.com's chagrin, the weather agreed and was not, in fact, severe. It was the perfect day; Michelle was stunning, the setting (perched above Lake Superior) was serene, the reception was intimate. My sister seems to have found the "man for the job" as Ken says, they seem happy, and that's all you can ask for, right? 
I went alone, because that's how I roll.
As I got in the cab to leave, Some Day My Prince Will Come by Miles Davis played, tinny, through the speakers. So this begs the question - will he? Or, perhaps more importantly, do I want him to?
Nonetheless, it was good to be home. Sometimes I feel like Minnesota is made of gumdrops and lollipops, other times, it's painful to be there. That said, I'm still not sure what's meant for me. I saw some wonderful friends who I miss terribly and for whom I would move back in a second. 
And now the weekend's over, the adrenaline is waning, the comfort of home is behind me. I'm somewhere over the Rockies now, turning to Rosie Thomas for advice and, let me tell you, she's good. 
"When will love ever find me?
Who cares, anyway
'Cause when it's over
All that matters 
Is the love you gave away"
I guess with or without a prince/pseudoprince/amphibian, I'm blessed. Blessed with friends who I love and love me, a mom who turns the other cheek like the saint she is, a sister who can love someone more freely than I ever may, a brother who values me, and a home that may sooner than later satisfy my proverbial sweet tooth. 
I guess time will tell, clear as a bell. 

Saturday, April 12, 2008

How How Why Why Why?

I originally chose to see this play because of the poster of a flying Dachshund, and it doesn't hurt that the tickets are $10 at the Seattle Repertory Theater. In any event, maybe it's because we hail from the same state, or his shrewd self-deprecation or acumen for storytelling, or because, by virtue of my new job, I get to take care of folks like him, but I really enjoyed "How How Why Why Why". Kevin Kling, a regular contributor to NPR who likens himself to the Hunchback of Notre Dame, was born with a left arm abnormality and, to add insult to injury (or vice versa, as it were) sustained a motorcycle accident in 2001, rendering his right side paralyzed. He tells the story of his rehabilitation, coinciding with our nation's recovery; illustrating his physical trials (including a funny story for the title of the play) and the pain he endured and joy he ultimately experienced, culminating in a week's preparation for a cocktail weenie and tears over the taste of an apple after a year of a TPN. He paints a picture of his childhood and my home; from the dry wit of the people to the farmland I may as well have grown up on, to that fateful intersection of Lake and Lyndale where his accident occurred. His anecdotes are spot-on, endearing, Prairie Home Companion-esque. Twangy-but-clear Simone Perrin, mostly on accordion, peppers the show with greats like Nina Simone's (Willie Nelson's, Rosie Thomas's) "Let it Be Me" and throughout the evening, the author looks over in admiration, closes his eyes, smiles, and nods his head in approval. "How How Why Why Why" is a story of hope, of recovery, of perspective, joy and regret; a reminder that we don't choose our fate, and, like a Dachshund, to have a "can do attitude" even if you're in a "can't do body". 

Sunday, April 06, 2008

List

So while at a pre-Burlesque party tonight, I saw a to-do list on the hosts' refrigerator. I think that's a good idea. On my drive home from West Seattle, I decided that I need a list of things to accomplish this year (or within the next seven, let's be honest), and to keep me somewhat accountable, here it is, for all the internet to read.

1.   Play the guitar that's sitting in my room (I actually just did, it wasn't pretty)
2.   Live greener
3.   Learn to sail (Center for Wooden Boats, here I come)
4.   Read the Bible cover to cover
5.   Try to ski
6.   At least attempt to train for Alex's "Lowest Expectations" Triathlon in August
7.   See whales! Lots and lots of whales! (San Juans, May 9-11!)
8.   Read the classics sitting on my bookshelf
9.   Obtain real estate in Seattle
10. Take advantage of the tuition reimbursement my job gives me

I think that's good for now...

Saturday, April 05, 2008

I'm back

Oh hi there.

It's been a long time. 

So, to catch up... I moved to Seattle last July. I live in a really beautiful house right next to Volunteer Park with two MDs (coincidence). I love it. Seattle is a dynamic place; it's majestially beautiful. On my walk to work in the morning, I hear a piano through stained glass windows under the canopy of sycamore trees. There's seriously a woman who walks down my street singing songs to her baby in French. And I *love* being able to pick sage from my garden in February. Right now I am knee-deep in lenten roses, hyacinths, daffodils, and muscari. The Scarlet Pimpernel tulips are next! 

Things have changed in my life. I drink coffee now. I ride the bus every day. I do yoga. I shop at farmer's markets all the time. I understand myself a little better. I am more forgiving of myself. I have a great group of friends (we're a bunch of transplants from California, Iowa, Idaho, Texas, and Virginia, mostly) and we have the best time exploring the city (mostly gustatorial!) and the greater Northwest in general. I don't know what I would do without them. There's so much to do here, and I love it. 

I changed jobs in January. It actually wasn't a choice of mine, and I face new, great challenges every day. I work with orthopaedic and plastic surgeons but practice really autonomously. I have to know a lot. It's hard. But it's great experience and I will benefit from it. The patients I see literally have had their lives come down around them, and it's gratifying to be an active part of their healing.

Lastly, my church is amazing. I go to Mars Hill, which just opened a campus downtown. My pastor, Mark, is a genius and challenges my faith and my capacity to grow and understand every week. I attend a community group in First Hill and have met and formed relationships with some really amazing, inspiring folks. Plus, we make really good tacos together. 

My sister is getting married in June in Minnesota so I'll be home then, which will be nice. 

So basically I'm livin' the good life in my favorite city. If I'm not studying at home, you might find me walking around Greenlake, or down at Alki Beach, or Pike's Place Market (or the University Farmer's Market), or eating pho at Than Brothers', or wine tasting at EVS every other Saturday, or checking out music at Sonic Boom or Easy Street Records, or seeing a show at the Moore! or at the Crumpet Shop, or down at Gasworks Park, or dreaming about sailing whilst staring at the Puget Sound, or revisiting my Norsk roots in Ballard, or on the ferry to Bainbridge Island, or up in the Skagit Valley or the San Juan Islands whalewatching or down on Mount Rainier or in Portland! Or looking for a cat at the Humane Society or trying to find a place to buy (eep!)!!!

Monday, January 29, 2007

Broken

One night last week I was just done. I came home, put on comfy clothes, and just knelt and prayed (and cried, let's be honest) for all these things, for loneliness, apathy, direction, faithlessness, pride, unfulfillment, etc., etc., etc. I think for the first time in my life, I felt like God was actually listening. And I realized, much to my chagrin, I can't change on my own. It was good, it was liberating. And then I watched House.

My friend Kate, who is wise beyond her years, said to me, "I think those times of lamenting are so important. I always feel such a weight being lifted off of my shoulders when I approach prayer with abandon and honesty. I really think God honors those times." It makes sense. I mean, why would I hold those things in? God knows. Most of the time I don't think God wants to hear me. He has starving and dying people to take care of, right? I guess He is a big God, but if I were God I don't know if I'd listen to me. When I asked if we'll ever feel "right", she said, "I don’t think life ever feels 'right' for anyone. People can put on a pretty good show and we might believe that they are completely happy, but I think that’s impossible. Because we’re not of this world we live in and so it can’t ever feel right. We’re created for eternity. I don’t remember this most of the time but I was actually just thinking about it the other day. I was listening to someone talk once about feeling homesick and that we as humans are bound to feel homesick our entire lives because this isn’t home. And we try to make it a comfortable place with money and family and a busy social life but that will never be enough. We will never be comfortable here. And in a way, thinking of the fact that I will never be comfortable is kind of comforting".

Here's the sad part. I have everything I need. I am comfortable, I am full, I am warm, I have a great support system, a loving family and more friends than I need. I have a good job, an inviting and loving church, etc. Yet I am left wanting more. I look around every corner for the next opportunity to change, or learn esoteric things, or escape, or feel less alone. I fear that these actions, while seemingly innocuous, will eventually, excruciatingly, lead to my demise. And I will have no one to blame but myself.

I know that I need to accept that God is pure love and that He wants to lavish that love on me, that He wants me to come to him, pajama-wearing, tear-stained and broken. I know that He is the only one who can fix me. He is the only one who can wipe those tears away.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

The penultimate day

This is an e-mail I sent...

I am sitting in the apartment in Banjul, Arabic flowing through the speakers below me. I've seen more Muslims bowing and doing their daily prayers, and it is so heartbreaking to know that they are praying to a dead god, someone who thought he was possessed by demons. Lori took my picture with a shopowner today and he said, "I shouldn't take a woman now because of Ramadan", weird.

The drive from Mansa Jang yesterday took about 9 hours. It is supposed to take 5, but the ferry was too full, so we had to wait. As we sat there, little kids touched our hands through the windows, asking for bututs and dalasis and for pens for school. They just stood there staring at us for over an hour, trying to sell us green oranges and ground nuts. Each day leaving Koina, kids would run after us, reaching in the van, which is gratifying and heartbreaking at the same time, because it makes me wonder if they will ever escape this life.

Lori witnessed to a man named Mamadou on the ferry. Please pray for him. They argued over Islam and Christianity. The traditions of the people are so strong; they will be disowned by their families if they give up Islam. I wish they knew that they were also giving up eternal life. He explained that Mohammed was "pure" and that by cleaning his hands he was pure, and by praying a lot he was exonerated from sin. It hurt to hear that, to hear his denial of the grace of God freeing us from sin. Lori said she'd agree to read the Qu'Ran if Mamadou would agree to read the Bible. She said she was totally comfortable with it, because she knew that he'd be reading the truth.

Although this trip has been a great experience, I am excited to get home. As I was taking a shower (dumping water over my head with a bucket) this morning, I noticed something. The window was split into two parts; one pane was an aged, yellow glass, the other side was just a screen. I realized that coming here has been like getting glasses. I didn't see things clearly before. I saw them through that distorted yellow glass. I was sequestered from the environment. The way the people lived here did not seem real even though on some level I knew it was happening. Now I see things through the other part; my vision is clear, I can hear the voices of the people, smell the smells, feel the breeze. I am part of how this world operates and my eyes are able to see how a majority of the world lives. Poor. Impoverished. Fighting for survival. And no matter how hard I try, I can't block out those voices. I can't make my skin or nose not feel or smell. I can't ignore it.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Ah, the Gambia

I’ve been in Africa for a week now. The poverty here is beyond words; you have to see it to believe it. I actually feel as if I have been transported back at least 50, if not 100 years. It is hot, and sad, and incredibly eye-opening. For instance, they don’t even have ice here, and when they do, people fight over it because they brought it from ANOTHER COUNTRY, Senegal. People ride donkeys and old bicycles to get around. Today I saw a big truck with at least 30 men on the top, and the truck broke down, and a man jumped off and popped the hood, and they continued. We are stopped daily by “Customs”, men with big guns asking for our documents and our business here.

When I got to the airport, the bus driver said, “Your people are dying, and so are ours, but from different things”, which was so profound. It is accepted to be unnecessary in the US for people to die from malnutrition or disease, but here it is happening all around and nothing can be done.

The government turns on and off water and power as they see fit. We met a Peace Corps worker today who said that the power came on right as our group came and will be shut off soon undoubtedly. There are posters asking for votes for Yayah Jammel, who was elected president recently with 90% of the vote. A shopowner, Samba, told us that they have gone without power for at least a year in the last couple years, sometimes up to 3 years. I can guarantee that I will never look at electricity, or water, or plumbing, or refrigeration, or maintained roads, or health care, or the freedom of Christianity the same.

The missionary here is great, and so is his wife Miracle. Because of Taylor, we have dodged many goats, people, and potholes on the roads to Koina. They have the three most beautiful children I’ve ever seen, Bishop, Marilyn, and Berry. Berry is my favorite, she is 18 months and is so smart and funny. They all call us “Auntie” and “Uncle” and say they missed us every day.

I am working at a makeshift clinic in a community called Koina, a round trip of 3 hours each day from Mansa Jang on the bumpiest, worst maintained road you can imagine. The door of our van has actually opened up during the trip, spilling suitcases and pills along the road…the van works sometimes and the battery terminals come unplugged several times on the trip. I see families of at least 3 people at the clinic, everyone is sick and has a fever and abdominal pain, a workup for which in the states would cost at least $500. Here, though, I treat empirically for Malaria, Worms, STD’s (in the Muslim faith men can have up to four wives and are not faithful even then), Malnutrition, Tinea, skin infections, Amebic Dysentery, Giardia, etc. etc. etc. People wait in line all day for a toothbrush and some Tylenol. The state of health is so poor, and I don’t think there is any end in sight as there is no education in place and the people are so poor. They can’t afford proper nutrition, which is paramount in health, and I have always just taken advantage of that. Even if they have money, the availability of medications is so limited. It is heartbreaking.

There is a dark spiritual presence in Koina as there is not one known Christian there. Most people are fasting so even if I have pills to treat their condition, they can’t take them. Really good Muslims don’t even swallow their own saliva. Unbelievable. When you ask why they fast, they don’t even have an answer, other than it is Ramadan. The translation is fatiguing, in fact more than once I have had 2 translators; 1 translating from English to Fula and the other translating from Fula to Mandinke. Lori and I pray over each family we see, and although they don’t understand, they are appreciative of the gesture. It is hard to know that once the handful of pills I am able to provide are gone, the patient will continue to suffer and struggle to survive here.

The people in general are very excited to see us “Tubabs”, or white people, because they automatically assume that all Tubabs have money. In the Gambia, the average income is about 25 dalasis a day, or about a dollar. And it shows.

The people in the village seem to love us Tubabs; the little kids follow us around everywhere we go, expecting toys and waiting to see the photos we take with our digital cameras, then laughing hysterically at their own appearance. Only rich people have mirrors. And shoes.

The language here is difficult, I’ve learned enough just for greetings. My typical conversation goes like this,

“Ja wali”(Good morning), or “Jamyaleh” (good afternoon) or “Ja eerye” (good evening).
“Hono banduma?” (How is your body), “Hono gorcoma?” (How is your husband), “Hono doleo?” (how is your compound?)…to which the response is always “Jam tan” (only peace). They greet saying Salam Alecum, to which you respond Alecum Salam. Women always ask “Hono gorcoma?”, to which I reply, “Me falaca gorcoma” (I don’t want a husband), and they laugh out loud. I always say at the end, “Nalenjam” or “Balenjam”, see you tomorrow or good night. "Ja Rama Bui" is also very common, or "Thank you very much".

On some level I knew the world was like this, but I didn’t choose to believe that suffering like this could occur. I had to see it with my own eyes to fully understand. It can’t be explained, and my pictures can’t tell the story of sheer desperation here. The amount of time in a day has been revealed to me, however the work it takes to live here is so much. Yesterday and today we made tega dayges, or peanut butter. The “ground nuts” we got were already harvested and peeled, and it still took us portions of two days to roast, clean, and grind the nuts. I can’t imagine how much work the whole process is. Work just to survive is incredible here; and I will never look at a jar of Jif the same. Every day we have to collect water to bathe and drink from the tap. That is if the tap is even on. We live in a compound where the doors fall off and toads and bats and rats roam freely. While the building is outfitted with a toilet, shower, and two sinks, the water pressure is so bad that none of them are functioning. I have never been so dirty in my life, but sponge bathing doesn’t seem to get the red African mud off. Even after I am clean, I just sweat again because it’s always 90 degrees.

Tonight I milked a cow. People here generally can’t afford milk, even the evaporated kind. The two men who took me there, Mustapha and Netty, couldn’t believe that we feed our cows corn! Corn is only for humans! They basically live on rice and couscous. Only rich people can afford meat.

We had church this morning with a small turnout, and a sort of cumbersome service with rough translations from English to Fula. I hope that the people of Mansa Jang will learn to look at Jesus as more than a prophet, but it is generally unaccepted here. The Muslim tradition is so strong and Christianity is not common.

Sorry if this is too random, I am practically comatose right now.

Please lift up the people of the Gambia in your prayers. They need a revival.